Jesus Lady Draft Guide

2006-08-28T15:03:00.000-07:00

2006 PRESEASON PREDICTIONS

MVP: Pastor J. Grant Swank, Jr.
Prolific Poster: Pastor J. Grant Swank, Jr.
Fisher of Men-on-Men: Fred Phelps
Sin Tax Collector: Kaye Grogan
Sleeper: Hans Zeiger
Overrated: Jack Chick

KEY - GBA: God Bothering Average ... PH²: Pharisee Phactor ... LERP: Logs-per-Eye over Replacement Prayer

1. Pastor J. Grant Swank, Jr.
Salary: $40 • GBA: 666 • PH²: 8 • LERP: 10

Terror-Islamics global in fear quake to hosannahs heavenly from Pastor Swank's keyboard streaming regularly forth would are have is. Not-Biblers warned be! Relationship personal with Jesus, plus, syntax Yoda-inspired: rhetorical one-two punch godly equals! Run, on the: Muslims unChristian, womb-souls wed-unlocked, heads exploded-un. - AP

Fast Fact: Reading Pastor Swank's columns backwards reveals the European dates of the 2009 KISS reunion tour.

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2. Coach Dave Daubenmire
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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3. Kaye Grogan
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

SOMEBODY, WRITE, T,HIS'

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY, WRITE, T,HIS'.

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4. Marie Jon'
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: The best way to locate Marie Jon’ is by following the trail of blue-balled church deacons she leaves in her wake.

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5. Rev. Pat Robertson
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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6. Rev. Fred Phelps
Salary: $33 • GBA: 1 • PH²: legion • LERP: infinity

Phelps is a one-trick pony ... but what a trick it is. Basically, the "pastor" of the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas (flock: Phelps & offspring) has determined that every bad thing EVAR is the fault of gay people. This charming fellow's UWFW ranking would be off the charts, if only he changed his public message more than once a decade (Phelps considers the Matthew Shepard trial to be "breaking news"). - AP

Fast Fact: Satan has pre-ordered an eternity's supply of Baby Jesus Buttplugs in preparation for Phelps' death.

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7. "Dr." James Dobson
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: Less intelligent Focus on the Family followers have been known to mail actual Astroturf to their local newspapers’ editorial boards.

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8. Cal Thomas
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: Thomas decided to shave his moustache when his (heterosexual, natch) barber told him it would make him look more “Bork-like”.

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9. Rev. Jerry Falwell
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: Falwell sued Hustler publisher Larry Flynt over a cartoon because it was really the Reverend’s father who he fucked in the outhouse.

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10. Dawn Eden
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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11. Jack Chick
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

Probably the nicest thing one could say about Apocolyptic cartoonist Jack Chick is that if Chick, Howard Hughes and Mel Gibson were stranded on a desert island, and Chick and Gibson killed and ate Hughes, then Chick would probably have to be considered the “saner one” amongst the remaining pair. - AP

Fast Fact: In the famous scene in the film “As Good As It Gets”, when Jack Nicholson slams the door in a woman’s face saying, “Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here,” what the camera doesn’t show is that the woman then goes to Jack Chick’s apartment ... where she is welcomed in with open arms.

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12. Judy Brown
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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13. Marvin Olasky
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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14. Peggy Noonan
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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15. LaShawn Barber
Salary: $XX • PF: 8 • WPP: 8 • ID: 6

LaShawn is “first and foremost a believer in and follower of Jesus Christ.” That would be the Jesus who believed in handguns and internment camps. Although combating rationality is itself a full-time job, LaShawn still finds time to speak at the annual God Blog Con, where she regularly appears on the Flat Earth Society panel and recently delivered the keynote lecture, “Copernicus, Galileo and Clinton: Stupid or Evil?” - CV

Fast Fact: Wallace Shawn is a brilliant actor, author and racontuer, whose writings look deep into the heart of morality and the human condition. LaShawn is not named for him.

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16. Ramesh Ponnuru
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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17. Mark H. Creech
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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18. Jack Van Impe
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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19. Donald E. Wildmon
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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20. Hans Zeiger
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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21. William Bennett
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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22. Rev. Jimmy Swaggart
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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23. Rev. Billy Graham
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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24. Pastor George Morrison
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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25. Bill McCartney
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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26. Tim LeHaye
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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27. Jerry Jenkins
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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28. Bonnie Alba
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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29. Bonnie Rogoff
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

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Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

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30. Curtis Dahlgren
Salary: $XX • GBA: X • PH²: X • LERP: X

SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Fast Fact: SOMEBODY WRITE THIS

Ultimate Wingnut Fantasy Wankball

Jesus Lady Draft Guide